voted best food blogger

The following is advice on how to be the most famous, best food blogger in the world. 

Ads for guinea pigs meds are a must.

Find a website to host your blog,  preferably one that has a minimum of 12 ads per page.  This will increase your odds of earning an income when people click on the link for erectile dysfunction or parasite medication for their guinea pig.  (By the way,  that would be ivermectin.)


Give your blog a cutesy name and be sure to include a photo of yourself from ten years ago.  No one really wants to see what you currently look like.  Be sure to state the obvious in your profile – that you love to cook and try new foods.  Give your significant other a code name  like  Fish Spouse or Moody One.


cutsie blog title required: creating creative curries

Time for the real reason of this blog,  recipes.   However,  you can’t dive straight into the recipe.  You  must wax on about your morning,  the more mundane the better.  You don’t want anything too interesting like a car broke down in front of your house and out stepped Elton John. Right behind him a tipsy Martha Stewart stumbled out of the back seat.  Not only did they break down, but they were also lost, in your humble neighborhood, without cell phones.  You invited them in and served them your not yet world famous grilled cheese sandwich.


No,  you want stories about how your husband forgot to take his cell phone to work,  that you stubbed your toe on the dining room table chair, or the cat threw up on the carpet, again.  Dedicate a minimum of six paragraphs to this.  


Now on to the recipe!  No,  not the actual recipe, silly, but three paragraphs on how great and amazing this recipe is.  Drive home how much the reader will love it and also how much you love it,  in case the reader gets confused and thinks you posted a recipe you hate.  In paragraph four, reiterate what was stated in the first three paragraphs. “Did I mention how much I loooooove this meal?” Yes, at least six times but it needs to be more than that! 


Finally,  you can get to main agenda,  the recipe.   Whatever you do,  do not have testers try the recipe first and give feedback.  After all, we all know that too many cooks, er opinions,  ruin a meal.  


Photos of kitchen tools = authenticity

Once you wrap up the instructions,  include a dozen or more photos of the completed dish,  all at a slightly different focal length and angles. This isn’t because you were indecisive.  This shows you aren’t stuffy like an old school printed cookbook that has one professional photo of the final dish.  This shows you are cutting edge cool.  This shows you are skilled at photography.  This shows you are on top of your game.


And you’ve done it. You are on your way to having a number one food blog and tens of thousands of dollars rolling into your bank account as a result.   Add recipes three or four times a week and you are set.  Happy cooking everyone.

2 thoughts on “How to Become a #1 Food blogger

  1. Are you starting a food blog? I loved your suggestions but afraid my little antidotes would just be me getting hurt. But I do love to cook!!

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